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posted Dec. 18, 2009    Bookmark and Share

Why I Don't Come At Christmas Anymore

a message from Saint Nick



Hey people! Haven't you noticed I haven't been really coming down the chimney anymore, like for the last five decades or so? You probably haven't. You're too busy shopping.

Now that you're reading this, though, I'd like to explain to you why I've been absent. I've been so angry about it in the past that I couldn't put it into semi-civilized words until now.

I first started feeling suspicious about you people when you switched celebrating my day—Saint Nicholas Day—from December 6 to December 25. Like, what was that all about?

When I found out the real reason for that, I started getting angry. You started helping the department stores avoid end-of-year inventory taxes by falling for their slimy suggestions to buy gifts for everyone in the family, not just the kids.

Hello, people, I'm Saint Nicholas, the patron saint of children. I'm not the patron saint of Daddy and Mommy and Grandma Josie and cousin Fred. Santa Claus Day is my day, and I say the gifts are supposed to be just for kids, not for EVERYBODY. Do you think I could even carry gifts for everybody?

Get off it! You stopped noticing the gifts I brought because of the FLOOD of gifts YOU bought.

The last straw was when you started asking each other to make "wish lists" for Christmas. What kind of surprise is that? LISTEN TO ME: a good gift is supposed to be a SURPRISE, not something that you expect! What are you thinking, people???

Furthermore, Santa's Way is just ONE gift ONLY IF the kid has been good. You're just watering things down by all this gift giving. You don't even know what "special" means anymore.

And while I'm at it, there's another thing that's been bothering me. You all are a bunch of wussies nowadays. You heard me. Back in the day, I used to give lumps of coal to the bad kids. And you know what? Those bad kids became good the next year.

Nowadays you are afraid of "hurting poor junior's self esteem" even though he's been monster. Result? Junior gets a playstation and becomes for all practical purposes a mental vegetable. Serves you right. HO HO HO!

I don't like to be harsh, but with all this shopping you're doing, did you ever suspect just a teensy weensy bit that it had something to do with your economic problems? "Just put it on the credit card!" Yeah, right!

You people have really made your bed well. Now try and sleep in it yourselves. As far as I'm concerned you can just go to he.... Oops! Sometimes I have to remember I'm a saint.

As for me, the northern ice cap is melting—is that the work of you schmucks, too? Anyway, it's a blessing in disguise. Now I've got a good excuse to move to Tuvalu or Timbuktu, anywhere where they DON'T CELEBRATE CHRISTMAS!



message transcribed by Doug Collins

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Comments (4)

Please keep comments polite and related to the above page.



#1 - Gerald A. McBreen - 12/18/2009 - 19:48
It's all in fun. RIGHT!

#2 - John Public - 12/19/2009 - 16:20
Hey Santa, we're not all like that. Give us another try sometime!

#3 - Mike Licht - 12/19/2009 - 18:49
Santa:

Hope you find work soon.

#4 - Lavica - 12/23/2009 - 08:14
I think they do celebrate Christmas in Timbuktu, but that's beside the point...No matter how commercialized everyone one else makes this season out to be, the True Meaning can always be perpetuated by you and me:)

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