The Real Vulnerability of the US: Fear of Deep Relationships

opinion by Doug Collins, The Free Press

The US government’s practice of forging temporaryinternational alliances has proved to be a costly gaffe, which hasproduced short-term gains but long-term setbacks in our stature anddomestic safety. The cause of our repeated failings in internationalrelations comes from our fear of creating deep and meaningfulrelationships. It’s important to realize that this fear hampers ourdomestic life as well.

One example of international scale is that the US aided Afghanistanduring the war against the atheist Soviet Union, an easy enemy fordevout Muslims. As soon as the Soviet threat was beaten, the US pulledout, leaving the shattered country with only a trickle of humanitarianaid. In his post-attack video release, bin Laden explicitly stated hisfeeling of being abandoned by the US.

Of course no one likes to be a tool. If you thought someone was yourally, but then you found he/she was a friend of convenience, you mightfeel spiteful. If you had violent tendencies, you might be dangerous.This explains a major facet of bin Laden and the Afghan leaders.

Although some may condone US shifts-of-allegiance for strategicreasons, such behavior is frowned upon in other cultures. As oneIndian friend told me, “In India, if I talk with you now, I’ll alwaystalk with you. We don’t have fleeting alliances like in the US.”

On a domestic level, our same unwillingness to forge deeperrelationships applies. After all, what allowed the September 11terrorists to operate so freely in the US, renting houses, exercisingin gyms, going to strip bars and taking flight classes? They operatedwithout encumbrance because nobody really cared about them as long asthey were spending money. If the Americans around them had reallycared about them, then someone might have caught on to theirdestructive (and self-destructive) plans. If they had been smotheredwith neighborly concern here, they might have instead 1) left, unableto fulfill their plans, 2) been caught before the plans were broughtto devastating fruition, or 3) defected and become good Americans. Acaring social network in our cities and towns is much better and farcheaper than any FBI wiretapping campaign, and much easier for privacyadvocates to swallow.

But it’s not just terrorism that can be minimized by a more neighborlyatmosphere. It’s also petty crime, domestic violence, poverty, andother social ills. In our culture, which has become largely unsocial,it’s really no surprise that anti-social behavior flourishes.

I’ve found that many professed peace-lovers are part of the problem.Recently, I had an open-house party for neighbors. I had particularlyhoped one of my more progressive-minded neighbors would come and getto know the others, but he didn’t show. Days later, I happened to seehim on the bus. He said, “Sorry I couldn’t come. It was such anintense day for me with the starting of the bombing.” He had spentOctober 6 glued to the TV instead of taking the opportunity to meethis neighbors. He could have instead read the daily papers the nextday.

Just as the US military prefers to bomb from a distance, weAmericans—of all political stripes—largely prefer to relate to eachother from a distance as well. The result is that our problems willnot vanish, but may only increase with time.

The only development that will create lasting world peace is thathumanity—especially we Americans—will undergo a general change inoutlook, a change toward neighborliness and tolerance, and anunderstanding that aggression is a natural feeling but should not betranslated into rash violence. Seeking an international, cooperativepolice effort at apprehending bin Laden and other terrorists would bean extremely positive first step toward forging a wider and moresincere group of international friends. The current destructivebombing of Afghanistan and hasty relationship with the NorthernAlliance will be far more expensive in terms of dollars and lives, andwill not solve the underlying problems. Even if Bush succeeds indropping a bomb right on top of bin Laden’s head, this conflict willcontinue for years because of our lack of looking at ourselves.

What can advocates for positive change do to encourage the kindof social life this country needs, so we can start moving out of ourunhealthy cycle as both a victim and perpetrator of violence? Here’s afew ideas:

1. Don’t get obsessed by TV news or minute-to-minute reporting. Readthe papers tomorrow.

2. Go to parties when you’re invited, and talk about a variety oftopics of concern to others, not just about your own concerns orviewpoints.

3. Have a party yourself, plan fun activities, and encourage people tostay late. Mention politics only at the right time.

4. Introduce yourself to neighbors, and ask them friendlyquestions.

5. Get to know immigrants from other countries. They have extremelyinteresting stories to tell and often appreciate practicing English.

6. Have opinions, but listen with an open mind to others of differentopinion. If you disagree with someone, at least try to understandthem.

7. When you move, consider moving to a denser area, where you can livecloser to neighbors and friends. Suburban sprawl and widely detachedhouses can be very isolating. Encourage denser development andneighborhood designs that promote neighborliness.

8. Ride the bus and talk with the regulars.

9. Be dependable. Offer help to acquaintances when you sense theymight need it. Do what you say you’ll do.

10. When there is a war, realize that life goes on. Don’t feelpersonally responsible for the war. Do what you can to create peace,but don’t burn yourself out and ignore your social life. Be patient.Concentrate on the root causes rather than the superficial causes ofwar. Recognize that human consciousness cannot be changedovernight.

11. Turn off your computer. Get out and talk to people at least once aday. Phone conversations are preferable to email dodgeball.

12. Don’t try to act cool. “Cool” is often just another word for“lonely”. Try being warm instead.