My Practical Living Will

In light of the recent Terri Schiavo fiasco, I was inspired to write up my own living will. As I wrote it, it seemed appropriate to share this with others who were also concerned about the possibility, however remote, of a future on life support machinery.

(Editor's note: For the sake of our more tender readers, an expletive has been deleted.)

I, _________________________, being of sound mind and body, do not wish to be kept alive indefinitely by any artificial means.

Under no circumstances should my fate be put in the hands of p@!&%#head politicians who couldn't pass ninth-grade biology if their lives depended on it.

If a reasonable amount of time passes and I fail to sit up and ask for a cold beer, it should be presumed that I won't do so ever again. When such a determination is reached, I hereby instruct my spouse, children and attending physicians to pull the plug, reel in the tubes and call it a day.

Under no circumstances shall the members of the Legislature enact a special law to keep me on life-support machinery. It is my wish that these boneheads mind their own damn business, and pay attention instead to the health, education and future of the millions of Americans who aren't in a permanent coma and who, nonetheless, may be in need of nourishment.

Under no circumstances shall any politicians butt into this case. I don't care how many fundamentalist votes they're trying to scrounge for their run for the presidency in 2008; it is my wish that they play politics with someone else's life and leave me alone to die in peace.

I couldn't care less if a hundred religious zealots send emails to legislators in which they pretend to care about me. I don't know these people, and I certainly haven't authorized them to preach and/or crusade on my behalf. They should mind their own damn business, too.

If any of my family goes against my wishes and turns my case into a political cause, I hereby promise to come back from the grave and make his or her existence a living hell.

--Bob Flint, Idaho Observer Reporter-at-large in Maine

The above article was first published in the Idaho Observer, which contains much information of import not only to Idaho, but to the larger universe as well! Please visit its website.