In the US, many of us were educated as children with the mantra of "We're Number One." But when you learn more about other countries, you see that they are often superior in various ways. It's time we start to better appreciate this. If you've traveled or lived outside the US, the Free Press invites you to contribute to this continuing feature of the paper.

The Netherlands

Reliability

by Doug Collins

It's nice to know you can count on someone, to know that a friend will come when they say they'll come, to meet you for lunch at a prearranged time, or to help you with a problem. When people are reliable, it builds trust between them, and when there is trust, relationships are stronger and everyone's life works more smoothly. In contrast, when people don't show up for lunch, or when they say they'll come to help you but don't, then trust is damaged, and people's willingness to commit time to relationships--or to other social undertakings--is frittered away.

Reliability is something that is very often missing in the United States, compared to many other countries. I first found this to be true as a student in college. When I became familiar with students from other countries, I found them usually to be much more careful about doing what they said would do, such as helping you fix your bike, or coming to your party. I sensed that they were a lot more reliable than me. The fact is, so many Americans have become so flaky that many party caterers now say it is useless to ask for RSVPs on invitations: many Americans simply feel uncomfortable making a commitment to come anywhere at a certain time, except to their job.

In countries such as the Netherlands, reliability is paramount in friendships. RSVPs aren't asked, they're assumed. If you are invited to someone's party and can't make it, you call them and tell them that you won't be there. Otherwise, you are assumed to come, unless you have a really good excuse. If you don't come, you are considered not much of a friend.

I had two Dutch acquaintances, who were friends with each other. One of them was having a party. The other called on the day of a party to say she couldn't come because she was feeling tired. Even though the tired friend had called with an excuse, the excuse came too late and was not good enough. The party-giver was very angry and did not talk to the party-pooper for more than a year, though they became friendly again later.

By American standards, the party-giver's reaction seems harsh, but it illustrates the commitment with which people in many other countries approach relationships. In the Netherlands, if your friend shows lack of commitment, it's normal to shun them, because there are others who will show you plenty of commitment.

In the US, few people share this degree of commitment, so it would be almost futile to hold Americans up to a standard that doesn't exist here. Besides, bosses in the US can give workers mandatory overtime and switch shifts on workers with little notice. Certainly many Americans feel hesitant to make appointments in their free time when they are not even sure they will have free time.

Still, Americans could benefit by higher levels of commitment than we have now. In order to make ourselves a more trustworthy people, first perhaps we should consider how it makes others feel when we won't commit. Let's say someone asks me if I want to go to a movie next Saturday evening. If I say, "I'm not sure, call me on Saturday afternoon," then the other person is likely to feel bad, because it seems I'm waiting for something better to come up. If I'm trustworthy, I have a few options: 1) tell the person a clear yes or no, or 2) go home to check my calendar, and call back, or 3) explain my uncertain work shift, if I have one. And if my moviegoer friend is also trustworthy, neither of us will have to call to "confirm" a meeting, because we both know we'll both be there.

This simple trust is actually just a type of respectful kindness, a kindness which can build solidarity in relationships. The sitcoms on US television typically depict what most Americans long for but do not have: a group of close friends or office chums with solid relationships. We Americans like to watch such sitcoms because we hunger for this friendly solidarity, but many of us seem to sabotage any chance of it every time we don't show up to meet someone when we said we would. We can become better people one action at a time, and one day at a time, by doing what we say, and saying what we mean.