In the US, many of us were educated as children with the mantra of "We're Number One." But when you learn more about other countries, you see that they are often superior in various ways.. It's time we start to better appreciate this. If you've traveled or lived outside the US, the Free Press invites you to contribute to this column.

Chinese Grandparents

The key to stress-free child-rearing

by Doug Collins

In China, the extended family has not been lost among modern city-dwellers. One good practical result of this is that Chinese grandparents are commonly the primary caretakers of the family's children. While Mom and Dad are away at work, busy building their careers, retired Grandma and Grandpa are taking care of the kids. Rather than seeming a drudge for the older generation, this arrangement has benefits for all. Kids get more attention and adult contact. Grandparents have a more meaningful, stimulating, productive role in the family. Parents can concentrate on their jobs rather than juggling multiple responsibilities.

Contrast this with the typical situation in the United States. During their 20s, 30s, and 40s, Americans parents get a double whammy of responsibilities. They are not only busy building their careers, but also busy raising kids. The stresses on parents can be enormous, perhaps contributing to high divorce rates and further stresses from being single parents. Partly for these reasons, many American women are now delaying childbirth far past the ideal biological age, or opting to be childless.

In modern America, some couples cope with the double responsibilities of work and parenting by becoming single-earner households with one stay-at-home parent. But for many housewives or househusbands, staying at home for years can be an isolating experience; they often prefer to have a role in society as well as in the household. For children, having only one main caretaker is also a bit isolating, because children need a variety of adult contacts. Besides, one stay-at-home parent may not even be able to give a great deal of attention to children, because s/he also has to juggle most household chores like cooking, cleaning, and shopping.

Older Americans also feel problems of isolation. When all kids have left the household, parents often complain of the "empty nest syndrome." Retired Americans also often experience depression, having lost their regular routine of work and outside contact.

Imagine changing our nuclear-family lifestyle in a way that could address the isolation felt by all generations. Assuming that all four grandparents are alive and able to be caretakers, a child has up to four possible retired grandparent caretakers. Children would not only potentially get more adult attention from retired grandparents, but would also likely get more contact with cousins, who may also be with the grandparents. In this scenario, grandparents act as family nexus as well as a free daycare center.

The above scenario illustrates how we in the US could take advantage of our "social capital" by developing family solutions, rather than seeking an economic solution such as paying a daycare center.

In order to promote a more family-centered life, Americans could try the following:

1) Adopt a different view toward family, a view that all current generations have a responsibility for the next generation.

2) Reconsider our mobile culture. Think instead about the value of staying geographically close to family.

3) Redefine retirement. In our culture, people have in recent decades thought of retirement as a sort of self-indulgent "last fling" of life, but this notion may in fact be leading to a hollow unhappiness for many. The older generation has many practical things to offer the new generation, and they may enjoy doing so.

4) Create family solutions to deal with old age. When grandpa and grandma become too frail to help out, maybe it's our turn to take care of them, rather than send them to a nursing home.

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