The Secret National Epidemic

By Doug Collins, The Free Press

If you’ve ever spent much time traveling or living outside the UnitedStates, you’ll probably notice some major differences in lifestyles.One is that people in other countries are typically much more socialthan those in the US. Villagers in less developed countries as well asurbanites in high-tech Europe and Asia seem to value regular humancontact much more than we do. In most countries, people spend freetime with friends most days of the week. Our typical social calendaris relatively sparse, and our free time is largely filled by rentedvideos, a second job, and individual hobbies. Occasionally we go outwith friends or have friends over.

For we Americans, this comparative lack of human contact has becomenormal. We accept it as the way things are. But looking deeply insideof ourselves, many of us might find that we are—ahem—a bit lonely. Iknow it can be hard to admit this. It’s easy to deny the problem,because seeing it requires taking a critical look both at ourselvesand at society. On the one hand, we may not want to admit that weourselves are sometimes to blame; on the other hand, we may feelpowerless to confront larger social problems than can causeloneliness.

Sometimes loneliness is self-imposed. In our consumer culture, we goto retail stores where “the customer is king.” That makes shoppingpleasant, but then we go home with the same attitude—that we are theking—and things fall apart. After all, if your spouse also thinks heor she is the king, chances are you’re not going to be living witheach other very long! It’s better to get beyond an insistence thatothers should do things “my way.” Maybe millionaires like FrankSinatra can get away with this, but normal people can’t—andshouldn’t.

Another self-imposed problem is that we may be hesitant to mention ourweaknesses. We are a “pick-yourself-up-by-your-bootstraps” nation, andoften we try to be impossibly independent. But it’s good to mentionyour worries, doubts, fears, and loneliness. It’s also good to ask forhelp, and to rely on others when you need to. It’s just natural! Ofcourse it’s not good to dump all your problems on someone, but you cancertainly mention them in conversation at the right times.

As progressives, we may also suffer an additional self-imposedloneliness. We may go to a rally or meeting, but still feel lonely.Sharing a common cause with other likeminded people is fine, but itwon’t cure loneliness. For that, we need to relate to peopleface-to-face, not shoulder-to-shoulder. We have to learn to accept andenjoy individual differences, and to tolerate—even be curiousabout—other beliefs. Otherwise we will be unable to live with others.There is a danger in any sort of conformity—political orunconscious—that diversity and individuality can be trampled upon.

Of course many causes of loneliness are farther beyond our control. Wework different shifts and on different days from our partner orfriend, so it’s hard to spend much time together. We move farther outin suburbia to more affordable housing, but we miss being closer toour old friends. We are uprooted and have to move to a totally newarea because of a job transfer or job dislocation. We meet some nicepeople in a class we take, but it lasts only one term, and we don’tsee the same people again.

These sorts of loneliness are caused by large social problems:suburban sprawl and high urban housing costs, lack of job security,lack of a social safety net, and a “cafeteria curriculum” in thecolleges that emphasizes individual electives rather than an ongoingcollective experience with classmates.

In short, there are a lot of big factors working against a smalllonely person. Here’s where the importance of shoulder-to-shoulderactivity comes in. To solve the large social problems, we need tostart building social awareness of the problems and applying pressureto solve.them. This can be done by conversation, meetings, rallies,letter writing, political lobbying, petitions, you name it. (It canalso be done by publishing a volunteer progressive newsmagazine!).

Fixing such larger social problems will not only relieve lonelinessfor millions in the future, but will also increase mental andenvironmental health. After all, too many Americans—rich and pooralike—now simply recede into their own secluded homes. Their homesbecome their castles, and they become the kings of millions ofminiature fiefdoms sprawled all over the country, isolated from otherideas, and too often with their own minature armies of attack dogs andhandguns in case someone ever dares to knock on their front door.

One of the most truly progressive things you can do, whether you are aDemocrat, Republican, Capitalist, Communist, Atheist, or Baptist is toventure outside your castle and relinquish your title as king. Becomemore social and inclusive. Get out, meet, and enjoy people who don’tnecessarily think the same way you do. Could be relatives. Could beneighbors. Could be coworkers or even someone you met at the mall. Andif you don’t have someone to get out with this evening, then get outof the house yourself and start doing something you enjoy, such as amovie, some live music, or a walk in the park. Taking a walk might bethe beginning of a better way of life for yourself and millions ofothers.