SINKING TECHNOLOGY INTO YOUR TEETH

opinion by Glenn Reed

Remember that episode of Gilligan's Island where Gilligan began to receive radio signals in a tooth recently filled by the Professor? Well, I just read about the invention of a device that makes this a reality and offers even more! The difference is that the so-called "telephone tooth" would, in addition, allow you to receive phone calls and connect to verbal sites on the Internet, while also letting you listen to music. Unlike Gilligan's case, however, the music wouldn't be available for others to hear, but only play in your head.

Excuse me, maybe it's because I work in the field of mental health, but it seems odd that while pharmaceuticals are spending billions of dollars (and charging Americans many billions more) to get voices out of people's heads, others are looking for ways to put voices back in. And why do we need still another "must have" piece of technology for the sake of novelty and supposed convenience?

The "telephone tooth" only allows your molar to be a receiver-not a sender of information. Unless you're mouthing song lyrics or cackling to a crude Howard Stern joke, then the only evidence of your using this dental device will be that vacant stare and often inane grin that you see on people with cell phones clamped to their ears.

Or perhaps not. Maybe it's possible that people will start responding to their teeth the way they yell at their computers. Then we may have an equivalent to "cell yell" that could be termed something like "tooth talk," "molar holler," or "dental din."

Regardless, I fail to see any appeal to getting a junk of metal and silicon stuck in a tooth. First, it requires another trip to the dentist and...drilling. Second, have they done any studies of the long-term effects of such a gadget? After all, they're coming out with all sorts of evidence about potential increases in cancer risk through cell phone use, and that's without having the damned things planted inside of a body part. Third, what happens if you mistakenly jack up the volume or something on the control device? Could the vibrations shatter your tooth, lead to deafness or cause brain damage? What if there's some other malfunction? Back to the dentist in any case,and how many times do you want to have that molar poked into and refilled? Or do you rotate from molar to molar? What about if you have false teeth? Will they create a special telephone tooth called dial-a-denture? What about if you download something into your tooth that is infected with a virus? Will that cause tooth decay?

More frightening, what if one of your arch enemies gets a hold of the "outside of the body device" which turns the "molar mobile" on and off and programs it? That person could subject you to hours of redundant techno music with the bass turned on high, Jerry Falwell ranting about Tinky Winky, or a Barry Manilow music marathon on the local Wonder Bread radio station.

Maybe they could even plant subliminal messages in your head, such as "I must have a Big Mac!" if you're a vegetarian, "Hillary in 2004!" if you're a Republican or "unveil that statue and behold the human breast!" if you're John Ashcroft.

And what happens if you're checking your voice mail while flossing and accidentally erase everything? Or worse, while brushing your teeth you receive a phone call from your stock broker who tells you to "sell...gurgle...glur...shshssllrp...stock right away"? Not that a stock broker would do that anyway, unless you're Martha Stewart or Dick Cheney.

Seems to me it could all be another conspiracy--evidence of some huge conglomeration of telecommunication companies, pharmaceuticals, dentists, media moguls, and Bill Gates (of course) trying to make more bucks off some pointless device that suddenly, everyone will have to have. Whoops! Your tooth needs reprogramming! Back to the dentist for drilling.

For my part, however, having evaded the cell phone craze to this point and with a crown due (on a molar) I think I'll skip on the "molar mobile." After all, Gilligan felt nothing but relief when the radio reception filling was knocked out of his tooth at the end of that episode.

Ah, the sweet sound of silence. Now turn off your damned cell phone!