Snow Predicted in Washington DC

George W. Bush admits he's highly qualified to be the drug czar
interview text obtained by Mike Seely, Free Press contributor

Following are excerpts from an unpublished interview between Irvine Welsh's American stepbrother, Irwin, and Presidential candidate/accused cokehound George W. Bush, Jr.

WELSH: So, Governor Bush, have you ever done charlie, mate?
BUSH: Charlie?

WELSH: Don't play dumb, captain coke. I know that you know the slang, ace, but I'll spell it out: what did you chop your COCAINE up with back when you used to snort it like a shop vac?
BUSH: I made mistakes in my...

Alright George, let me put it this way -- everyone knows you did blow. If you didn't, you would have denied it. If you come clean, closet cokeheads around the country will be fully behind you at the polls.
I'm not exactly courting the drug addict vote.

Drug addict? That's right well insulting to blokes like me who like a little toot for the 'ol snoot every now and then. Hell, my stepbrother writes about the white highway for a living.
Is your brother an author? Does he know Tom Clancy?

My brother wrote "Trainspotting," George. They made a movie out of it. It revolved around a bunch of Eurotrash Brits chasing the dragon around all bloody day.
Puff? You mean the magic dragon?

Nu-uh, the other dragon -- horse, heroine. They was shootin' up like no tomorrow -- just like you did a heapin' mess 'o the blow way back when.
Fine, if the American people must know -- I've done cocaine. But I didn't inhale.

Didn't inhale?! What'd you do, mainline?
Er, no. I guess I did inhale -- you have to with that drug, if my memory serves me correctly. It's been a long time, you know.

No, I don't know -- cuz I still do blow! What'd you use, c-notes?
Pardon?

Hundred dollar bills -- did you use hundred dollar bills to get the charlie up your honker?
No -- twenties. I used the hundreds to buy eight balls.

Lordie, George. We sure go from ambiguous, thinly-veiled lies to hearty detail in a hurry, don't we?!
Hey, if I'm gonna come clean, I'm gonna come clean.

Did you ever get coked out while listening to Donna Summer?
Shoot, boy -- I did blow off Donna Summer's tummy.

I thought you said you never cheated on your wife.
I haven't.

Alright, I'll play your game -- then what'd you and Donna Summer do after you "bellied up."
We proceeded to do rails off my autographed picture of Denny McLain.

So does that mean you're going to pardon Denny McLain when you're elected? He's in jail again for credit card fraud -- and seeing how you're such a fan...
Yeah, I think if I'm gonna spring someone from the clink via pardon, it oughta be Denny. Either that or the death penalty -- you know how tough on crime we are in Texas.

So you plan on doing lines in the Oval Office? Can I come?
Hell, after Clinton, I figure I can do just about anything in my new pad. And yeah, I'll chop out a monster rail for you once me and Laura get settled.

Are you going to can drug czar Barry McCaffrey once you're in office? I mean, you seem to know enough about drugs that you'd probably be able to handle the job yourself.
McCaffrey's gone -- but I think I'll name a new czar. I just love that word, "czar."

Yeah, me too -- and it rhymes with "Bar," your mom's nickname.
Aw shoot, did you have to remind me of my mother? Her hair's as white as SNOW! Get it -- that's slang for cocaine! That's what we used to call it. God, I miss those days. What I wouldn't give for a case of the numbs for my wee pink gums!

You're starting to sound like my brother. Ever thought about taking up writing after you serve out your two terms?
No -- I'm not all that bright. I just bought a ranch in Central Texas, you know. I think I'll just go there and do a bunch of lines off the breakfast nook.