2006 Declared 'Year of the Coelacanth'

from Ascent to Dissent

2006 is officially the "Year of the Coelacanth," declares Ascent to Dissent, a Puget Sound-based non-profit blog (www.ascent2dissent.blogspot.com).

"We mean no disrespect to the Chinese New Year's traditions," said Mikey, Ascent to Dissent (A2D) editor. "Given the fast pace of life today, we believe the traditional 12 animals of the Chinese Zodiac do not have meaning when applied to America's current political climate."

The politics of 2005 shape the A2D animal chosen to represent 2006. "It was an interesting year," said Mikey. "The US President endorsed torture, and it has become clear that the people who work for him willfully committed treason. Corruption and abuse of power is running rampant while we continue to wage war on a country--Iraq--that never attacked and never threatened us.

Thousands have died in the name of war profiteering, yet the nation focused on denying the last wishes of a brain-dead woman. We closed the year with the knowledge that our Fourth Amendment freedoms no longer exist, if the President chooses. And Americans are willingly giving up their Constitutional rights."

Given all this, in its first annual award, A2D declared 2006 the "Year of the Coelacanth."

Why the Coelacanth?

The coelacanth represents the oldest lineage of living fish known. The coelacanth was believed to have been extinct since the end of the Cretaceous period until 1938, when a live specimen was caught off the east coast of South Africa. According to A2D Senior Correspondent, Skaggie, the bony-plated fish was selected over its rival candidates, the common weasel and ostrich with head in sand, for the following reasons:

* Symbolism: The fish was first discovered in 1938--the same year that world leaders signed the Munich Agreement, capitulating the blatant abuse of human rights.

* Definition: "Coelacanth" is derived from the Greek root, meaning "hollow spine"--reflective of the current United States foreign policy: Plenty of backbone but no substance.

* Residence: Like the majority leadership, the coelacanth exists in a deep, dark and far-distant past, unencumbered by enlightened thinking.

* Description: It is, quite frankly, an unpleasant creature. And like Ted Stevens, Henry Hyde and Jim Sensenbrenner, the coelacanth is often described as a "living fossil."

* Irony: The primordial fish provides undeniable verification of evolution, a scientific truth denied by the good people of Kansas.

* Palpability: Although as a museum specimen, it is sensational and expensive, the fish is inedible unless dried and taken with many grains of salt, much like the current administration.

* Social Skills: Reclusive to a fault, the coelacanth hides in deep-water caves and is only seen on rare occasions, not unlike Vice President Dick Cheney.

* Discharges: The coelacanth exudes oil from its body, raising its esteem in the animal kingdom among the corporate overlords of government. The Caribou of Arctic National Wildlife Refuge (ANWR), by contrast, simply live near the oil; they don't exude oil and are therefore disposable.

* Slippery: The coelacanth is mucilaginous. Its scales produce a slippery mucus that traps foreign particles which may prove harmful. Note: when produced in excess, the mucus can 1) impede the normal flow of oxygen, resulting in reduced ability to think straight and 2) cause a body to exaggerate the threat posed by certain agents or objectionable thinking of nearby sea creatures.

* Circumstantial Evidence: Wherever the coelacanth is spotted, human rights abuses are not far away (South Africa in 1938 and since then, off the coast of Indonesia, Kenya, Tanzania, Mozambique and Madagascar.)

* Prolonged Existence: Despite making no contributions to the advancement of it species and making no attempts at adaptation whatsoever over the past 350 million years, the coelacanth--much like the Republican Party--refuses to quietly go extinct for the greater good.

Ascent to Dissent is a non-profit and proudly liberal web log with an estimated readership of five. For fear of future internment and torture in a Bush Administration-compliant third-world nation, the editors and contributors to Ascent to Dissent do not disclose their full names or locations, however you may contact them at ascent2dissent@yahoo.com.