God Bless the American Family Vehicle!

by Glenn Reed

This reporter was invited to the home of the President of the local chapter of the Association for Internal Combustion Engine Vehicle Eternal Family Rights (AFICEVEFR), who wanted to express his views regarding a recent survey published in the Seattle Times that indicated 52 percent of Americans consider their motor vehicles to be a part of the family. The AFICEVEFR head found this to be "deeply disturbing," and "a clear sign of the moral decay occurring in American society." The following is excerpted from our recorded conversation:

I must say that I never thought I'd be in this position, asking a member of the liberal media to my home, but that survey printed in your newspaper--you mean you're not from the Washington Free Times? Oh, it was in the Seattle Times? Whatever! We just, you know, we just need to get the word out on an issue that is bigger than the right-to-life battle, the ridiculous save-the-salmon granola-head movements, or anything else that isn't directly tied to 9/11.

I was just floored by the poll and you should be too, when you consider the enormous implications. Imagine that nearly half of our population are denying not only the very basic rights of a whole segment of our society, but they don't even consider them to be a part of their families! It's neglect, it's abuse, it's barbaric on a level that makes infanticide in countries like China seem trivial. The figure just says it all: 48 percent of Americans won't even acknowledge their internal combustion engine vehicles as members of their family, let along afford them the basic rights that we have fought so long and hard to create and maintain. At least a bare majority still recognize their SUVs and mini-vans on the same level as their spouses, kids, parents. Yes, that's become a primary focus of AFICEVEFR, to demand a Constitutional Amendment that will guarantee these rights for our family vehicles.

Through this door--watch your step on the shag carpeting--is our most vital family member. Yes, it is rather toasty in here--we don't skimp on any comforts for her. Let me introduce you to the true beauty of our home, named in honor of that great visionary and patriotic American, Henry Ford. This is..Henrietta, our beloved Ford Explorer. Yes, quite a shine on her. Spent the entire afternoon Sunday polishing her with the help of the kids. Makes for real quality family time, after all. Not only are the kids taught the importance of family and giving to others, but we have an opportunity to discuss a lot of the issues important to Henrietta and her future.

Yes, and then Henrietta, in her spirit of true altruism, provides us with every comfort as we perform all other family functions, never complaining at being parked in the hot sun for hours on end at Angelina's softball games. What? Now don't be always thinking of yourself, Angelina. You know I couldn't make it the last couple of games because Henrietta needed that tune-up and your mother needed the all-American expanse of storage space beneath her convenient, easy lift-back for our weekly trip to Wal-Mart to take full advantage of the wonderful array of cheap goods that are the fruits of the ultimate, free-market economy.

Anyway, through Henrietta's trials and tribulations the kids learn the truth about a lot of the vital issues facing America today, especially those that assist us in our eternal War on Commun--er--Terror. Like what? Well, how about an issue that shouldn't even be a subject for debate--the drilling in Alaska...or wherever. For God's sakes, we're talking about Henrietta's life blood here! You don't think for a second that we'd have the same debate if, say, Ronnie. here needed a kidney transplant and the only kidneys available for harvesting were scattered across some God-forsaken, frozen wasteland at the ends of the Earth, do you? Of course not!

Yes, Henrietta wears the red, white and blue proudly on her guard-bar, reinforced rear bumper, flying from her antenna and stuck to her automatic, rear window. Just like the stars and bars our kids war on their t-shirts underneath their Nike and Gap logos. And, yeah, Ronnie is headed off to the armed forces next summer to serve his country. Damned right I'd support his going to Kuwait, Afghanistan, Venezuela, Equatorial Guinea--anywhere, if he'd be fighting for the life blood of our beloved Henrietta. Ronnie would gladly lay down his life for God, country, and Henrietta's right to 10 mpg and to emit all the nitrogen oxide that she can. Ronnie! Put down that rifle down. You know I just loaded it and you still haven't gotten that training on discerning liberal, terrorist reporters from red-blooded, all-Americans.

In fact, we feel so strongly on the rights of our gargantuan vehicles that we're thinking of adopting a Humvee into our family next. How better to help in the cause to defeat scum like Osama bin Allende--er--Laden, Whatever!

Ah, the joy of starting each day staring out over our network of highways clogged with mile after mile of happy Range Rovers, Suburbans and the kin of our sweet Henrietta. The rewards of seeing the haze of exhaust nestled on the horizon, the happy exhalations of the millions of internal combustion engines for whom we are fighting the War on Drugs--er--Terror.

"God Bless Henrietta. Vehicle that I love! Pump beside her and drive her..."