Speaking in Tongues

by Richard Howard, Free Press Contributor

"There's no rule that says when you're going down on someone you have to act like your hands are tied behind your back -- unless your hands are tied behind your back."

"Can't get the kitty to purrr?" inquired the ad. The accompanying photo featured a retro-looking Esquire "Vargas Girl" type, dreamily displaying her derrière. My first thought was that this must be precisely the kind of establishment that Seattle's civility czar, Mark Sidran, has wet dreams about shuttering. This impression was not diminished when I noticed a complementary pitch immediately below: "How to have a cocksucking good time!" Turns out, though, this was an advertisement not for some "X-otic tanning salon" out on Lake City Way, but for an "Oral Ambitions" workshop series hosted by Toys in Babeland, the feminist-run sex boutique on Capitol Hill.

The pair of workshops, which took place on July 13th and 14th, comprised a sort of "everything you ever wanted to know" forum about cunnilingus and fellatio, respectively. I initially intended to go to only the former, but to my gratification, I ended up attending both. The Toys in Babeland management was, by the way, overwhelmed by the demand for the events, which sold out within a couple days of their advertisement. And for good reason: the workshops, which will continue in the months ahead, forge a most engaging hybrid, comprised of equal parts adult sex-education class, self-help group, and interactive performance piece -- sort of like a smarter, hipper, non-pandering version of Oprah. Particularly on the first night, there was a wide range of people (in terms of age, gender, and sexual orientation), and they were more than willing to share their experiences and expertise -- but with a refreshing candor and, for the most part, absence of the kind of pretense and self-conscious egomania I halfway expected. I mean, in a posturing-heavy place like San Francisco, for instance, there's the distinct probability that this sort of gathering would've been a real gag-me-with-a-spoon affair. But not in Seattle; in fact, the workshops reminded me of what I found so refreshing about the Pacific Northwest when I first visited a number of years ago. People here struck me as sincere and matter-of-fact, while at the same time intelligent and dryly witty. This was, in fact, pretty much the atmosphere at the workshops, and was what helped lubricate the lively exchange of information and repartee I experienced there.

"The clitoris is not a doorbell -- pressing on it hard and frantically won't get you through the door."

All of which was appropriate in that, pointers on technique aside, the most recurrently mentioned guideline to giving (and receiving) good oral sex boiled down to communication -- that is, the humbling requirement that you ask your partner what works and the willingness of the partner to respond honestly. After a while, it began to seem bizarre that any of us would shy away from this kind of verbal exchange as being too intimate or risky; after all, you've got this person's genitals in your mouth, right? Or maybe that's the problem: Perhaps as children we got so many of those "it's not polite to talk with your mouth full" reprimands that we've turned into closet manner mongers.

Ass-clenching politeness: That is, unfortunately, one Seattle trait that I didn't immediately grasp upon visiting the region. But now that I do, professional busy-bodies like Mark Sidran and his wife make more sense to me: Sidran sensed a subliminal opening in the city's zeitgeist, particularly as more and more people from the east side began thinking it a neat idea to relocate to Belltown. So like any ambitious Jezebel, he eagerly stepped in to massage the unconscious fear (anarchy) and repressed desire (sadism) of his client -- the body politic.

Or to employ another metaphor, Sidran is the policeman of Seattle's collective id -- sheriff of the shadow side of our famously earnest, relentlessly polite, yet nominally open-minded civic culture. And what lurks down there in that grungy, libidinous, deviant underworld of the id? As Garrison Keillor might say, nothing that good Lutherans should want anything to do with. Strip joints, hip-hop clubs, and even the odd sports bar have all been targets of Sidran's crusade. These establishments are all presumed to draw unsavory types into the neighborhood -- people who get trashed, scrawl graffiti on buildings, plaster posters on utility poles, and create demand for the bass-heavy backbeats that reverberate out into the night, keeping the new suburban transplants awake till all hours, even on Sundays.

"The tyranny of orgasm: Being too goal-oriented can ruin the experience."

While self-righteous moralists in other parts of the country -- particularly the Bible Belt -- demonize rock and hip-hop music, dance clubs, strip joints, alcohol, and drug use because they're all seen as symptoms of insufficiently repressed libido, the new-fangled civility crusades in Seattle and New York City seem to be less explicitly about sex and more about real-estate values. Rudy Guliani has "reclaimed" Times Square for Fortune 500 companies like Disney and Morgan Stanley; Sidran targets businesses that are located next to properties his wife owns (or covets). And in each city, there have been zero-tolerance campaigns against the "crimes" of graffiti, unlicensed street vending, and even jaywalking (thus settling the issue of "who owns the streets -- pedestrians or sport utility vehicles?").

This thesis would seem to be borne out by the Toys in Babeland example. I asked the store's co-owner, Rachel Venning whether the business has ever come under the scrutiny of the Sidran forces, and whether she thought this kind of "transgressive" workshop series might draw Sidran's attention. "No," she replied. "We're really a pretty nice store, much more boutiquey than the traditional sex-toy shop." She explained that her idea from the start was to create an environment where women could feel safe and comfortable. As it's turned out, both her female and male clientele seem to appreciate this sort of sleaze-free sex zone -- as well as the fact that education seems to assume at least as high a priority as profits. She went on to mention that they opened a Toys in Babeland in New York City last summer during the height of Guliani's crackdown -- which included scores of sex-oriented businesses -- and there, too, they were never targeted. They evidently didn't match the profile laid out by the mayor, which, like Sidran's, seems to focus on businesses and activities that inhibit the realization of maximum profits by established money interests and political allies.

"If you decide to suck on the scrotum directly, be very delicate; some men's balls (like some men's egos) are amazingly sensitive."

Babeland manager Hannah Levin acknowledged, a bit ambivalently, that the shop's clientele is largely white, educated, and relatively upscale. This reality in itself would tend to keep it off Sidran's hit list. Add to that the fact that the store -- although full of sex toys, lesbians, and otherwise X-rated content -- still manages to convey a tasteful and wholesome ambiance, and is clearly a vibrant addition to the commercial interests of the neighborhood. All this makes it a no-brainer for a guy like Sidran, whose main talent is his intuition for sensing vulnerability and picking his targets accordingly. Or who knows -- perhaps in his other life, Sidran is a closet swinger (I can imagine his handle being "Marky Mark") who's already been frequenting Toys in Babeland not on official reconnaissance duties, but to pick up a few copies of Sex Tips for Straight Women from a Gay Man as gifts for his best friends in the "lifestyle" scene. God knows stranger things have turned out to be true. As has this: within the theater of the morality play, self-righteous sanctimony will be forever wedded to hypocrisy.