With the personal ad fad reaching, well, fad proportions, The Free Press felt now was a good time to skate through the personals offered by Seattle's most popular cyberspace singles' bar - The Stranger. Single people (and some non-singles, we imagine) pay a buck-and-a-half a minute to answer come-hither messages left on a voice-mail system.
Because date-seekers are assigned a private access code to hear responses, The Free Press placed its own Stranger ad. Some of the answers we got makes us believe that the lonely callers would have been better off spending their money buying flowers and candy and taken their chances going door-to-door.

THE AD

THE COME-ON

"Well here I am. Jay Leno is just about off and David Letterman is about to come on. I just love that Cappio iced coffee commercial ... you know, that little European cartoon. I just think it's so hip. Well that's what I'm doing. What are you doing? What would you rather to be doing? Give me a call."

THE RESPONSES



MEN WITH VOICE FETISHES

Martin: What a voice ...

Van: Your voice drove me crazy. You've got a great voice and important things to say.



MEN WHO THINK WITH THEIR PENISES

Tim: I'm sitting here - naked - writing dark, dirty, kinky poetry. I'd rather be doing the things that I'm writing about, but it's very hard to do that alone. Give me a call late at night.

Angus: I spend a lot of times at nudist camps. I'm very uninhibited. I'd like to be driving around in a big, old, red convertible. What do you think? Give me a buzz.

James: I would like to be on a jet airplane, flying out of the country to somewhere like Indonesia, soaking up some sun, getting in with the natives, getting a little restless and doing it with somebody I like.

Johanas: Your ad made me feel right ... just right. I have moved 41 times - that covers four continents a dozen countries and many states. I am very confident and very educated, both sexually and intellectually.

David: I'm lying in bed. What do I wish I were doing? It would be fun to be trading erotic massage.

David: I definitely would not want to be watching David Letterman. I'd rather be having some sensual experiences with a nice looking gal. If your sitting around bored you should call me and I'll entertain you.

D'Angelo: (In an extremely breathy voice) I'd rather be sitting on the phone talking to you, learning more about my new friend.



MEN WHO THINK THEY'RE CREATIVE

Michael: Hello, hello, hello. I found your ad really witty and funny. I don't whine - fuck that. We don't want that. I'm a songwriter. This is something the others boys don't do. (Played a poorly recorded song.) Isn't that nice? I'm really cute, good looking, nice body.

Dave: (didn't say much but pointed out he was listening to "Rocket Man" by Elton John)



MEN WITHOUT A CLUE

Trevor: I'm into dancing at the ReBar, pretty much anything. I'm fairly odd. I like beer better than coffee. I like marguerites better than beer. I don't want to run out sounding kind of stupid, so call me later. Bye.

Chad: (Obviously was reading a script) I'm 23. I'm a single, white male, 6-4, 200 pounds. I'm athletic. I'm very much into sports and hanging out. I'm a recent uw graduate.

Diono: (This guy called twice and said the same thing, without realizing it.) I've seen the Cappio ad and I think it's really cool, too. You should call me and we should talk and it will be cool. Keep watching TV and loving it. Get as much out of every commercial that you can. Peace.

Scott: It sounds like you and I should meet some time. Your ad sounds pretty interesting. I would like definitely to at least talk to you.

Nick: I'd rather be watching Jay Leno with you. I'm a barrel of monkeys.


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Contents on this page were published in the September , 1993 edition of the Washington Free Press.
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