The Best of American Newspeak
Celebrating cutting edge advances in the Doublethink of the 90's

by Wayne Grytting
Free Press Contributor


The Pepsi Challenge
A cultural milestone of some sort was passed when 19-year-old Mike Cameron was suspended for wearing a Pepsi shirt on "Coke Day" at his high school in Evans, Georgia. This heinous crime was described by principal Gloria Hamilton as being disrespectful towards visiting Coke executives and as "being disruptive and trying to destroy the school picture." The school picture in question consisted of the loyal student body lined up dressed in Coke's red and white colors to spell the word "Coke." (At least they spelled it right.) This long-standing tradition of having school pictures in the form of product names has come about as companies like Coke and Pepsi have been buying up exclusive rights to whole school districts. But rather than calling this "commercialization," Coke prefers, in the words of spokesman named Ms. Howe, to describe the practice as "developing a partnership with the schools." (New York Times 3/10, 3/16)


Getting Your Priorities Straight
Officials in the state of Oregon have been planning for some time what to do in case of The Big One. Should the earthquake hit, Oregon has plans in place for putting the state's most important function back on-line. While many employees are busy with rescue work, others will have as their duty restoring video poker and the state lottery. "Keeping the games going after a natural disaster such as an earthquake or flood is important because video poker and other games generate $1 million a day in profits for the state," said David Hooper, a lottery spokesman. "We're a sales organization," he said. "We make money for the state by selling our product. That's why it's important for the state that we are able to get back on our feet quickly." And that's why the Oregon State Lottery awarded $124,000 to Netplex, a private company, to design a plan to make sure gamblers do not miss a beat during any disaster.(AP 3/19)


Ending Pollution
The state of Washington has found a way to stem the tide of dairy manures going into its rivers. Under Senate Bill 6161, the phrase "dairy manure" is to be deleted in state laws and replaced with the more positive "dairy nutrients." The Dairy Nutrient Management Bill defines "dairy nutrient" as "any organic waste produced by dairy cows or a dairy farm operation." Sheryl Hutchinson, a spokeswoman for the state's Department of Ecology says, "What they're trying to do is change dairymen's attitudes to view this dairy waste as a commodity." What Ms. Hutchinson did not explain was for whom chicken manure would suddenly become a nutrient. Despite the name change, I have no plans as of now to add it to my cereal. A footnote; the bill passed the state House by a vote of 97 to 1, with the lone dissenting vote coming from a former septic tank installer. (Seattle Times 3/9)


Little Brothers
Citizens of Maryland may have woken up to a creative way their state Motor Vehicle Department has been raising funds. The MVD has been selling their computerized database of personal information to anyone with the money to access it. Now with only a computer and the aid of an "information broker" like CDB Infotek of Santa Ana, California, anyone can peruse any Maryland resident's age, weight, driving record, unlisted phone numbers, property deeds, court cases and medical conditions. Information brokers can give you access to public data from 48 states, although most are not as complete as Maryland provides. Is this Big Brother at work? No says Robert Mayer, chief information officer for the state of Maine. With electronic databases, "public records have become truly public." Just democracy in action. (Washington Post 3/3)


Designer Marxism A new edition of the "Communist Manifesto" is out, described by Verso publisher Colin Robinson as "elegant enough to grace a coffee table." Marx and Engels have earned their place next to Sunset Magazine and Gentleman's Quarterly because of this years trend towards "revolutionary chic." Thanks also to its red tinged pages and stylish red ribbon, both Border's and Barnes and Noble are featuring the book. Meanwhile, Barney's department store in New York was reportedly planning to feature the book, along with a selection of red lipsticks, in its windows as "conceptual art." Barney's creative director Simon Doonan says "Its OK to look at the book as camp." In this light he suggests the book could, if given an attached handle, "make a snazzy accessory to a designer dress." (AP 3/22)


American Newspeak is hoarded at http://www.scn.org/newspeak



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Contents this page were published in the May/June, 1998 edition of the Washington Free Press.
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