The Best of American Newspeak
Orwellian language and euphemism in corporate media.

by Wayne Grytting
Free Press Contributor


Union Relations, Northwest Style
How does a hip, post-therapy aged Seattle latte company view employees who protest working conditions? Starbuck's has been facing an "unstrike" by employees in the province of British Columbia. Unionized workers have continued on the job but have been handing out leaflets to customers and wearing union buttons. Senior vice-president Wanda Herndon says, "It is very disappointing that we have a fraction of our partners who want to have a third party that would come between our relationship." The "partners", as Starbuck's calls its employees, earn the minimum wage in British Columbia, $5.15 an hour in U.S. money. The shameless homewrecker is the Canadian Auto Workers, who now organize service workers and have even threatened Starbuck's with a strike. In words that reportedly caused Henry Ford to roll over in his grave, Ms. Herndon responded, "(Starbuck's Chairman) Howard Schultz is heartbroken that this has occurred because we have a really wonderful and unique relationship with our partners." Stay tuned to Oprah and Geraldo for future developments. (Seattle Times 5/25)


Advertisers Becoming Literate
Major advertisers are "changing the rules of magazine publishing", reports the Wall Street Journal, by breaking down the walls separating ads from editorial content. Now a number of corporations are demanding written summaries of articles before submitting their ads. Recently, Chrysler sent out a letter to Esquire and 100 magazines informing them, "In an effort to avoid potential conflicts, it is required that Chrysler corporation be alerted in advance of any and all editorial content that encompasses sexual, political, social issues or any editorial content that could be construed as provocative or offensive." I particularly like that "could be construed" part. Really professional. Countering critics who worry about freedom of the press, Pentacom CEO David Martin points out the reasonableness of advertiser's demands because, given ads that cost $22,000 a piece, "you want it surrounded by positive things." Esquire certainly agreed. After receiving their letter from Chrysler, they canceled a scheduled story with a gay theme by author David Leavitt. (WSJ 4/30)


Fairness For Logging Companies
In the past few years, environmental groups have adopted a tactic of bidding on Federal timber lands to preserve old growth trees from rampaging chainsaws. Clever strategy you say? Completely legal? Wrong, according to an "unauthorized" letter from Agriculture Undersecretary James Lyons denying the acceptability of `non-harvesting bids." The draft letter with Lyons signature pointed out two devastating flaws barring the non-logging of public forest tracts. First, it costs money to produce environmental impact statements on logging. The letter points out that "It would be a wasteful use of public monies and contrary to the public interest," to produce reports on logging impacts and then sell the land to non-loggers. (And think of the bureaucrats whose feelings would be hurt.) Secondly, we might be encouraging unfair competition because "non-harvesting bidders would have few, if any, operating or personnel costs..." Hardly fair to send Weyerhauser up against the economic clout of Earth First. (AP 5/15)


Nike Worries About Indonesia
13,000 workers in Indonesia protested against Nike subcontractors for failing to pay the minimum wage of $2.50 a day. Nike responded by pointing out an even greater danger threatening these employees. Jim Small, a spokesman for the attitude company, noted that wages have increased three fold in Indonesia in the past two years. "There's concern what that does to the market," said Small, "whether or not Indonesia could be reaching a point where it is pricing itself out of the market." Do remember that the cost of producing a $120 pair of Air Jordans is almost $4. Regardless, Nike is very concerned about the welfare of these employees, which may help explain their innovative campaign to save the $2.50-a-day employees from the sin of greed. Nike is refusing to pay more to its factories as a result of any wage increases. Meanwhile, Mr. Small has planned a seminar to explain what he and other Nike PR Representatives are doing to deserve more pay than their Indonesian co-workers. (WSJ 4/28)


The Son of Reefer Madness, Part 2
Buried somewhere in last year's welfare reform bill was $250 million to teach children sexual abstinence. This money is given to local government programs teaching that sex outside of marriage "is likely to have harmful psychological and physical effects." How harmful, you ask? A joint report by the Applied Research Center and the Public Media Center found these gems. In a funded educational video, a student asks, "What if I want to have sex before I get married?" An instructor answers, "Well I guess you'll just have to prepare to die. And you'll probably take with you your spouse and your children." Another educational effort draws the link between abortion and child abuse, warning "after one has aborted a child, an individual loses instinctual control over rage." Fortunately, according to Amy Stevens of Friends of the Family, "These programs are not fear-based efforts..." Thank heaven for small favors. But to be on the safe side, do lock your doors securely against possible hordes of crazed women. (NYT 5/8)


Big Brother Comes to the Washroom
Corporations can now insure their employees have clean hands thanks to an invention called Hygiene Guard. For a mere $1,500, Hygiene Guard can be installed in any washroom. Employees need only wear a small badge. When they enter the restroom an infared sensor is triggered. A second sensor at the washstand is triggered if the employee stands in front of it for at least 15 seconds. This information is then relayed to a computer. Failure to use the soap dispenser causes the badge to blink, alerting all to the unhygenic condition. NetTech International says this system will alert employers to "miscreants who don't enter the lavatory all day or use it too much." Obviously this is just the beginning. The mind reels at the possibilities, like monitoring coffee consumption or the use of toilet tissues. NetTech CEO Glenn Cohen defends their invention on public health grounds, actually declaring, "Our belief is its time for Big Brother to be concerned." Well, he is. (WSJ 5/20, AP 5/20)


Children Studying Illegally
In Cleveland, Ohio, Judy Kincaid was sent to jail for five days for a crime that is mushrooming, illegal school registration. The inner city mother sent her 5 year old son to a kindergarten in the suburbs without authorization! Across the nation, inner city parents are resorting to subterfuge to escape overcrowded , under funded city schools and enrolling their children in affluent suburban schools. To "protect" themselves, suburban districts have taken to hiring private investigators, offering bounties up to $500 for identifying out-of-district illegal students and passing legislation making the use of a false address a misdemeanor. Fortunately, this raising of barriers to youth from poorer neighborhoods is being done with the best of intentions. As Elizabeth Fineberg, Superintendent of Schools in Morrisburg, Ohio relates: "We're only staffed for the number of children we're supposed to have in the district. We don't want to have to give less to our children." Sadly, parents like Ms. Kincaid are unable to appreciate the need to sacrifice for the good of "our children." (NYT 4/20)


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Contents this page were published in the July/August, 1997 edition of the Washington Free Press.
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