I'm a Gator
Thinly Veiled Sarcasm

by Doug Collins
The Free Press
"I forgot to ask her
which finger I'm supposed
to put my college ring on."
After nine and a half years of complete separation from my alma mater, the University of Florida, I had sadly resigned myself to being out of contact with that great institution. But to my delight, I recently started to receive promotional mail from the UF Alumni Association, soon after the UF Gator football team finished #1 in the nation.

My memory went back fondly to the time when young coeds waved orange and blue flags, wore orange and blue sweaters, and drank orange and blue beer at frat parties. Luckily, I've almost forgotten those calculus courses with 400 disinterested students taught by an inexperienced TA. After those kind of classes, football games seemed to be the only visible sign of life.
Anyway, first came the letter selling the wristwatch ($285), which commemorates the Gators' historic victory last year on the gridiron.
Next came a letter about joining the Alumni Association. It had a free decal in it that I can stick on my car (see illustration). I was intrigued by all the "benefits of membership" in this alumni group, especially at this time in history when many job benefits are being reduced or cut. For example, alumni members receive:

As if that weren't enough, as a member I can also receive discounts at these fine stores in Gainesville, Florida:


The Gator Shop
Gators Plus
Calico Gators
Gators Are Us

This is no joke. And along with a $600 lifetime membership I could also get two free gifts: a gold-plated "UF no.1" lapel pin, and a Sports Illustrated special edition on the 1996 National Champion Gators.
I wanted to find out about what other great offers I could take advantage of, so I called the number listed for the Alumni Association. I talked to a customer service representative, and I was truly gratified to find out that the association is "getting ready to do rings" in the the near future. But I forgot to ask her which finger I'm supposed to put my college ring on.
I did ask her how the Alumni Association got my address after so many years incommunicado. She said that it might have been through a company called Equifax, or through a post office service called "National Change of Address" that keeps track of people who file change-of-address cards at the post office.
In any case I'm really happy to be a Gator again. And though my football team is #1, it was also gratifying to see in the promotional literature that UF is #6 in National Merit Scholars and #11 in Fulbright awards. They've really got their priorities straight.

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Contents on this page were published in the March/April, 1997 edition of the Washington Free Press.
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