The ensemble was unfeminine, declared one mother. "It just looks sloppy," said another caring mom. By the end of the show, the errant fashion violators were given a complete girlish makeover and everyone was happy (except, of course, the young ladies).

When we were young, the moms were saying, we took pride in our appearance; we were well-groomed and we wore dresses. What no one on the program thought to mention was that times have changed, Mother, and these days it's considerably less of a color-coordinated event to be a woman than when you were a girl.

Sure, unisex and androgynous dressing is in these days. Part of the reason, I think, is that fashion is co-opted from gays and lesbians (after all, it is 1993, the Year of the Queer). I've noticed some lesbians who, understandably, "butch it up" a bit so they are less likely to be gay-bashed or hassled by bigots while having the nerve to appear in public holding hands with their lovers (which reminds me of my personal favorite entry in the recent Seattle Gay Pride parade: Women Frequently Mistaken for Men in Public Restrooms).

But not one person on that talk show, not even the young women, considered the possibility that the clothing might be intentionally concealing jiggling breasts, swinging hips, in hopes of getting from Point A to Point B alive.

These days, young women are verbally accosted, stalked, molested, mugged, sexually abused, kidnapped, beaten, raped, killed and/or chopped up by the hundreds of thousands every year. According to the U.S. Department of Justice Statistics Resource Center, almost 4,700 women were murdered in 1991 alone - about one every two hours - and those are just the murders police know about. Between 1985 and 1991, some 32,000 women were murdered. These numbers don't reflect the number of women who were only sexually assaulted, raped, beaten or attacked, the ones who escaped being murdered.

Consider the following excerpt from Susan Faludi's 1991 bestseller, "Backlash: The Undeclared War Against American Women":

Faludi's message: women are consistently, intentionally, shut out of political, economic and decision-making processes, yet we are the first ones to blame when things go wrong. This blame, which accounts for the inexcusably high number of acts of violence against women, is also being translated into the latest cycle of women's fashion designed to make them appear to be weak, helpless, vulnerable, doe-eyed sex objects - easy targets for knife-wielding, gun-carrying, hate-filled, unemployed Rambo psychos who believed it when Republicans said the male workers lost their jobs because more women are entering the workplace.

I really begin to worry about the status of women when I pick up a New York Times Weekly magazine, as I did a few weeks ago, and the cover story is titled "Rape Hype Undermines Feminism," by Katie Roiphe. Like we need any help undermining feminism these days, especially from another woman. The backlash continues ...

Being a woman these days carries no keen sense of pride. The male concept of our sexuality - slut - is constantly shoved down our throats like an unwilling blowjob. Thin is perpetually in; women pay the price of keeping their Goddess-given curves at bay with anorexia nervosa, bulimia, and tobacco and amphetamine addiction to achieve the "innocent childlike street waif" look once again gaining popularity.

And a return to platform shoes! Ladies, what are we thinking?! In the late '60s/early '70s, when platforms first became All The Rage, women weren't being stalked, raped and killed at the rate we are today. I've seen young Seattle women struggle in these monstrosities to try and walk, let alone run - fashion victims, in more than one sense of the word.

One of my favorite girl-bands, Chia Pet, sums it up: "Does this skirt look like I'm asking for it? I don't mean to be asking for it. I'm just walking down the street, minding my own business. I'm just trying to be a girl."

Those sloppy jeans are shapeless for a reason, Mom. It's a great big mean sloppy world out here and women these days have to do whatever it takes to get through it alive. A little free wardrobe tip of my own, girlfriends: refuse to be intimidated, refuse to hide your sexuality, get yourself some Mace and stop wearing those hideous, cumbersome, crippling platform shoes. No fashion is worth dying for.