The Shari Letters

When I was a kid, I heard numerous times the tale of my grandmother finding a razor blade in an Archway oatmeal cookie. It happened during a time when foods were delivered directly from the factory to the customer, without stopping first at a supermarket. When she told her driver her nasty discovery, he gave her a free package of cookies. With the current rage for lawsuits, I often regret what my family could have gotten from the Archway company in the '90s.

In compensation, perhaps, for this oversight, and to fight boredom during a recent period of unemployment, I began writing companies with fictitious complaints. I took products from the cupboards, which had addresses where I could aim missives describing my consumer injuries, invented characters who suffered the blows and created scenarios and circumstances that were at once absurd and believable. I thought of consumer relations employees tacking my letters on bulletin boards throughout the offending companies, for warning and/or amusement.

Morally, I had no difficulty with these lies, despite my being raised Catholic. The sham of corporate advertising is one worthy of small Robin Hoods. I suggest you work up some self-serving ire at a large food corporation today, and artfully remember to them your displeasure. Have patience - allow four to six weeks for a response and, almost always, coupons worth more than your 29-cent stamp.

H.J. Heinz Co.
Pittsburgh, PA

To whom it does concern,

I am a working mother, and don't often have time for at home taste tests. But over this spring vacation, I found my two boys (aged 8 and 10) overly anxious in the evening, and the only way I could subdue them was with food.

One night I brought home a huge bag of tater tots, "Oscar Meyer" wienies and three kinds of ketchup. I cooked the food and blindfolded the kids, placing in front of them three bowls filled with Heinz, Hunt's and Flav-o-rite brands ketchup. I am not kidding when I tell you my children refused to eat any thing not dipped in the Heinz brand tomato ketchup. Their taste is your reward.

Thanks!

Kathryn Lacey

Dear Ms. Lacey,

Thank you for your letter. It was thoughtful of you to tell us about the blindfold taste-test you and your boys did at home. We appreciate your comments because they remind us of our continuing responsibility to make the very finest products possible.

Enclosed are "iron-on" transfers for your boys' T-shirts and a booklet for each of them which describes the history of the Heinz Company. I am also enclosing coupons and recipes for you.

Your interest in writing is appreciated. We hope that you and your family will continue to enjoy our many fine products.

Sincerely,

Mary Anne Vangenewitt

Consumer Relations Department

Yield: $3.50 in coupons, 1 ketchup recipe booklet, 2 Heinz product recipe booklets, 2 history pamphlets and decals that read "Give 'em a squeeze!" garnished with pictures of ketchup bottles.

Carma Laboratories, Inc.
Quality Control Department

Dear Sirs,

I and my wife have been satisfied users of Carmex for most of our adult lives. However, I wish to convey to you a frightful experience that I had with your product on April 12, 1992, which left me bewildered and concerned.

My wife had just returned from the Fred Meyer drug store with some toiletries that afternoon. I immediately opened the .35-oz tube of Carmex and began applying it to my lips. As I did so, I felt that I had cut myself, perhaps on the plastic mouth of the tube. I wiped the Carmex away from my lips to find that it contained about six tiny shards of yellow plastic.

After realizing that these razor sharp bits of material posed a minor threat to my health and well being I decided to write to you. I realize that this is probably an isolated, abnormal occurence, but please see if there is anything you can do to prevent this in the future.

Sincerely yours,

Bill T. Alkire

Dear Mr. Alkire,
Thank you for your letter of June 18, telling us about the problem you recently had with one of our tubes of Carmex.

Although this is the first complaint of this nature we have ever had, we nevertheless consider this a serious matter. We are contacting the manufacturer of these tubes asking them to check into this matter, to make certain that this type of problem will not reoccur. We were just glad to hear that you were not seriously cut.

For your time and trouble in writing to us, we are today sending you without charge by parcel post, two jars and two tubes of Carmex.

Thanks again, for bringing this matter to our attention.

Sincerely,

A. Woebling

President

Yield: 4 containers of Carmex - two tubes and two glass - shipped UPS

Stagg Foods Inc.
Cerritos, CA 90702

Dear Sirs,

While opening a can of your corned-beef hash yesterday I found what at first appeared to be large peppercorns in the hash. On further inspection I realized that they were probably some sort of rodent excrement, because they were moist and pliable and not like peppercorns at all.

On your label it says "while writing to us, please copy number from lid." Well, I did no such thing because I threw the can out after Saint Patrick's Day. I have no legal proof and I'm not out to get you or anything but as a Christian I thought I'd write and let you know that I found something wrong with my corned beef hash so that something doesn't happen like this in the future to other people.

Thank you for your time,

David Snarlton

Dear Mr. Snarlton:

We at Stagg wish to thank you for taking the time to write to us regarding your experience with a can of Stagg Corned Beef Hash. It is letters such as yours that serve to remind our quality control staff that their jobs are never ending.

Without having seen the product, we are at a loss as to exactly what it was you found with your hash. We spoke to our laboratory regarding this matter and they believe it may have been some ground black pepper that clumped together. Due to the precautionary measures we take in preparing our product, this should not have happened. Our quality control department has been notified of your complaint and is currently investigating this matter.

In an effort to retain you as a valued Stagg customer, enclosed are some coupons good for any Stagg Foods Product. I hope you will try us again soon! I am sorry for any inconvenience this incident may have caused you.

Sincerely,

Susie Forbath

Customer Relations

Yield: 2 coupons for free cans of hash

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Contents on this page were published in the April, 1993 edition of the Washington Free Press.
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