Granny Joined an HKA

by Jim Sullivan, Free Press Contributor

just got word that my dear Grandmother Corrigan is dead. Mother's mother sure went young, some might even say prematurely, at 70. Her outlook on life was certainly youthful: she loved MTV, rock 'n roll, country and western, CDs, VCRs, CD-ROMs, and of course, Yo-Yos. Now poor Granny's gone. Life won't ever be the same, especially for her.

The woman's demise, as far as I'm concerned, was brought on by her HKA (Health Keeping Alliance). They pushed her too far. She had thought that her life would improve, belonging to that group. But in truth, from the day she joined, her life went downhill.

It all began after her retirement at 65, when her first insurance premium notice came from the Purple Ex-Purple Badge Health Insurance Company. Her coverage cost $1500 per month. To say this was a bit steep would be an understatement. Her Social Security income and modest pension amounted to only $1200 a month.

She told me that she'd be willing to live frugally, cutting way down on her entertainments, mostly public library visits, and desserts, mainly soda crackers. But there was just no way she could meet such a premium. Yet she didn't want to become a burden on her family. So she searched for some alternative.

That's when Granny found out about the HKA. The monthly premium was minimal, leaving her enough money for the frivolous things in life, like food, clothing, and shelter.

Though she had no ailments or chronic diseases when enrolling, eventually some came upon her, as happens in the aging process. The first time she got sick, it was with the flu. Before getting in to see a medical person, she made repeated phone calls for a week to get an appointment. Then, she didn't get to see a doctor, but a nurse. She gave Granny a brief look over. The patient was sent home with instructions to medicate herself with aspirin every four hours, take plenty of water, and use a cold compress on her forehead.

Granny's flu symptoms lingered. Finally, she wrangled an appointment with an HKA doctor. After she waited four hours in his office, he took all of 30 seconds to examine her. He recommended more aspirin, more water, more cold compresses, and lots of bed rest.

Complaining bitterly to the HKA executive at his headquarters, Granny Corrigan told him that the doctor was incompetent. She demanded to see a qualified physician. The executive, having no medical degree or training, told Granny, "Let your body heal itself."

Shortly thereafter, she learned through the grapevine that the executive and doctor both earned a sizable bonus from the HKA for not ordering expensive tests and/or medications for her.

Anyway, by the time she got critically ill, years later, the federal government had intervened with HKAs, making them treat patients like human beings: decently, professionally, and ethically. The HKAs agreed reluctantly, but it cut deeper into their profits. High salaries for executives and dividends for shareholders were in jeopardy. A crisis was at hand.

They soon found a solution: preventative medicine (known as "preventative life" by members). Treatments were harsh. Many died as a result. HKA members were forced to quit smoking, overeating, and abusing substances, like drugs, including coffee, tea, soda pop, and chocolate because of the caffeine. Red meats were banned outright. Fastfoods were, too. Also, oatmeal was the only breakfast food allowed.

Screening for every known disease and malady occurred once or twice each week. On top of that, an extensive physical exercise program was forced upon HKA members. All those living within a given community had to gather at dawn daily, regardless of weather, to partake in vigorous group calisthenics. The same people had to gather at nightfall to participate in a two-mile fastwalk.

Granny didn't always feel up to his exercise, particularly on cold, damp days. Then, her arthritis and lumbago pain was very bad. But she was still required to do those outdoor exercises.

Well, the story is, according to my grandmother's lady friend of several decades who was in the same HKA, Granny was in the park for exercises, with the other members. It was pouring down rain. The temperature hovered near 35 degrees. Granny, her friend added, as always looked just adorable in her sneakers, shorts, and tee-shirt. But she was drenched and shivering.

When they made her do jumping jacks, Granny tripped over a loose shoelace and plopped face down in the mud. An hour passed before an HKA staff member helped Granny up. But by then, it was too late. She had drowned.