Pimpin' Ain't Easy

Political and media analysis by rap-master Mike Seely

After four years and $40 million, Kenneth Starr's taxpayer-funded foray into President Clinton's sex life has basically proven something that the rapper Kool Mo Dee told us over a decade ago: Pimpin' Ain't Easy.

You see, Wild Bill's been claimin' pimp since the Kool laid down his filthy-ass track back in the 80s. So when Clinton admitted to a few hide-the-salami sessions with a horny, scheming White House intern, no one this side of Bo Gritz's Idaho compound should have been surprised.

Anyone who's seen HBOs splendid documentary, Pimps Up, Ho's Down, knows that "Pimp of the Year" is a crown given at the Underground Player's Ball to the pimp whose exploits are "known cross country" in the words of "Mr. Whitefolks," the only Caucasian pimp featured in the hour-long special.

Pimps Up, Ho's Down's main purpose was to cement as fact every stereotype that pop culture has ever created about pimps: flashy cars with thump-ass bass, dope threads, and a stable of ho's with sparkly clothes.

At the end of the documentary, a motor-mouth pimp, named Pimpin' Ken took Pimp of the Year honors in a hard-fought three-way battle with Mr. Whitefolks and Big Lex, a lesbian pimp who looked as if she could throw down wit da hardest G's.

After watching the show, I realized that the real question that Kenneth Starr and America's fabled networks posed to Americans was simple: who's the pimp of the year?

On all stations, we had Wild Bill, with an alleged track record to put Pimpin' Ken to shame.

The next dude to claim pimp was Utah Senator Orrin Hatch. With his venomous soliloquy, in which he bashed Pimpin' Bill for takin' advantage of a 21-year-old ho, O-Dog proved that he lacked the sexual liberation to lay claim to the pimpin' throne. Despite this gigantic shortcoming, O-Dog did wear a tie that depicted a black girl holding a white boy's hand. This wardrobe selection must have been on the jungle fever vibe, since to the best of my knowledge there are no black people in the Great Salt State.

On another station, we had Chief of Staff Leon Panetta, chillin' in Cali with palm trees in his office. The very fact that he was in Pac and Dre's home state made me wonder why Chief Doggy Dog didn't give a shot out to his boys in Long Beach.

Next we had George Stephanopolous, the youngest contestant, who moved to New York just to prove he could still bust it with the Studio 54 honies. Sorry George, Neve Campbell and Salma Hayek ain't on yo' jock--true political pimps don't call the Apple home.

Barney Frank was on all the stations, but past pimps of the year are automatically disqualified.

Then we had the network anchors: Brokaw, Rather, and Jennings. Jennings is the only one with any sort of track record with the skins, namely Barabara Streisand, but that sweathog got pimped by knucklehead James Brolin. In the pimp world, fellaz, it's all about game, not brain.

Finally, making a serious run at the pimp throne was Congressman Bill McCollum. Anyone who's seen the Florida Republican knows it's pointless for him to deny his past acting exploits as an extra in Planet of the Apes. Apes are animals, so they bone on instinct. Hence, McCollum must be a total pimp.

So if Starr's investigation and the network's wuz all about pimpin', who's the Pimp of the Year? The answer is the same as the answer to whether or not Clinton boinked Monica Lewinsky: who cares!